A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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