Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
