So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
