i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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