U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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