Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize