I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
