Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
