I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
