I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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