Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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