Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
