I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
