Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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