The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
