U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
