Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
