shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
