I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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