So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
