He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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