Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
