Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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