Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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