You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just want nice things and good sex
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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