i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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