So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
