Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
