He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
