You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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