Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
