You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
