I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
