Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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