Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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