wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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