yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
