you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
