haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
