1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
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