the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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