so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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