Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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