Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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