My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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