There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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