got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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