The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
