You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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