I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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