quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
