Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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