You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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