Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
