if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize