I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I checked into jail on foursquare
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
