She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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