Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
