can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
