My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
