I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
