You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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