Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
