I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
